Below are the 20 most recent journal entries recorded in batteredbody's LiveJournal:

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Sunday, November 13th, 2005
12:44 pm	Its beeen a while So its been a while since my last entry. okay, awhile is a huge understatement. but i just didn't have anything to really say. Now i go to the alt-school. I and two weeks no chemicals. and i am going strong. now the reason behind the whole no chemical thing. its about a boy. i met him at school. i hated him. as soon as he walked into the classroom i didn;'t want to be there anymore. he wouldn't let me sit beside Moe so i got stuck sitting beside Branden. then i was on e one day and we were smoking a show at lunch and i packed bowl after bowl after bowl for our 45 minute lunch. we started to talk before all of this. then he wrapped his arms around me and said that i was his school girl. i told him that i wasn;'t interested. then he wanted to chill that night and he told me that we would smoke some real dope. his popsies finest. so i get a ride to his house at like 9. i go to the door and his aunt answers. she flips that i am there. then he comes upstairs and we go to the garage. he was drunk and we started to smoke a show. and all of a sudden he broke down. he started to talk about everything. court, jessica (the reason i said i wasn't interested), school, his dad, his mom, why he was living with his aunt and uncle. he was bawling his eyes out. so i sat on his lap and then he tried to kiss me. i rejected. "i can't be the other person" "but i don't really want jess" but how do i know your not just saying that?" me still sitting on his lap cuddling him all of a sudden his aunt walks in. she flips out.i run into the house call my mom and the creep out the front door. i get home and i call him. we talk for hours. then monday was halloween i bought 11 pills. i ended up taking 7 sold two and gave 2 to Moe. we went back to his house after school chilled there for a bitthen left. i wouldnt kiss him b/c jess wasn't at school so i didn't know what was going on. then, tuesday at school jess was there. he took her aside and told her that he wasn't interested. then on break. i kissed him. that thursday i snuck over to his house. and i ended up sleeping with him. then took a cab home at 1:30 in the morning. my parents didn't even know i was gone. friday we held hands and he wanted me to sneak over again but i couldn't. he was grounded all week-end so i couln't talk to him. this really pissed me off. but monday he was kind of weird. so at lunch we were outside having a smoke and i asked him what was up? he told me that he had been wanting to say something all day but couldn't find the words. we went back iinside he wrote me a note, "I wanna ask you out but i don't want to ask you to wait for me when i could be going to jail" i grabbed his hand and we went outside. i explained to him that jail or no jail i would be here. and he says " so you wanna be my girlfriend?" and i said " if you wanna be my boyfriend" then he kissed me. and that night i snuck over to his house. we fell asleep and i had to walk home at 3:00 in the morning. Mondays and Thursdays are our days. last time i went to see him i stole the Gator. drove it into town then crept through the back door. just as he was waking up i was walking through the door. a huge smile spred across his face. god-damnit i am so happy with him. three weeks until he goes to court. if he goes to jail, i don't know what i will do. fuck he can't go to jail. sneaking out to see my boy Current Mood: giddy (1 Comment |Comment on this)
Tuesday, August 30th, 2005
4:07 pm	WANTED! Person trust-worthy, with steady job, able and ready to move to Rosemount. Might be bum fuck no-where but when a basement appartment opened up, i am 97% sure i want it.  Need someone to split rent and live with. reply if interested. (1 Comment |Comment on this)
Friday, July 22nd, 2005
8:44 pm	And with a "Poof" she was gone and nobody remembered anything about her. or that she even existed.   i used to write everything that was going on in my life in this thing. and now, i can't open up to anything even a fucking internet journal.  I just don't think that anybody is ready for what i have to say. and it would be so much easier for me to just disappear. and to a certain extent it can happen. But then i will always wonder things. one more to follow..not today, maybe tomorrow. Current Mood: drained (2 Comments |Comment on this)
Friday, June 17th, 2005
7:12 pm	You cannot know what is the mind of another, the foggy best you have available is what they tell you. A very great deal of nonsense is written and said, founded on the silly notion that you can know what is in the mind of another. You cannot ‘feel their pain’; to suggest, claim, or pretend otherwise is both an arrogance and an untoward intrusion. People feel their own pain and have to adjust and cope with it the best they may. The very best you can hope to do, is to be there for them if they choose to ask for your assistance, or for your hand to hold. Even this, you must consider carefully and try not to commit yourself beyond that which you are willing to maintain. I believe that it is reasonable to regard all humans as addictive to one degree or another. I believe that much addictive behaviour is, in great part, driven by escapism from a rather unpleasant society, and even escape from the everyday irritation of just being alive. People adjust to their situations; they tend to feel comfortable with whatever they have become ‘used to’. Remember, people do things because doing them gives pleasure, or satisfaction, and avoid doing things that they find painful, or otherwise unpleasant. They do not take drugs because someone forces them, they take drugs because they wish to; and they do not stop because they do not wish to stop. If people are caged in prisons or ‘asylums’, if they are beaten regularly as children, if they are used to being fat or drugged on alcohol, then the feelings associated with those experiences tend to become regarded as ‘feeling normal’. If an animal is kept in a cage and punished if it ventures outside, it becomes very difficult to tempt a hungry animal out even with offers of food once the conditions change. This process is called ‘accommodation’; the individual has become ‘accommodated’ to the situation. The situation has, for that individual, become ‘normal’. The ability of a ‘drug’ to bring on ‘addiction’ appears to be related to the speed with which its messages are delivered to the brain. Smoke is said to effect the brain in a few seconds, injection takes a little longer, while eating or swallowing pills can take ten or twenty minutes. The more quickly the brain feels the effects of what the body takes in, the more easily is the brain able to connect/associate the action (of imbibing) with the reaction of ‘pleasure’. Current Mood: weird (Comment on this)
Tuesday, June 14th, 2005
4:35 pm	I don't really know what to say anymore, there has been so much going on. People bitching at people, but not at their faces, behind their backs. but this summer, all the people who i don't want to be around can be weeded out. i must say i do love the summer. No school, just family and work bull-shit. and soon enough no bull-shit. take me to Guelph. Now i am more ready then i will ever be. i love everyone so much. Janine i am so proud of you. Nothing but that chick controls her life. So, Friday was pretty fucked up. We go to a party. everything is good i was getting pretty hammered and i took X that day so i was right and fucked. then i go to go inside to grab toilet paper, and Jesse comes arond the corner telling everyone to get out of there asap. me-"I'm not fucking going" KALEY'S mom-"you'd better be going home now or you will be going home in a cop car....me i run as fast as i can to the tent where neen and erik are. "pack up the booze fuckers, we gotta split". we ran into a field and thought that we would be good there. we met up with some guies. smoked more pot and drank more booze, played strip rock paper scissors...(GO NEEN) then we seen flashlights going through the field and stop at us. we freaked. then ran through two more farmers fields. i ran off to go pee and just when we thought we were good the flashlights come over the hill again. so again we ran and we ran and we ran. we ended up going through five farmers fields. then at like 1:30 we decided that we would go back to the tent. (we had lost the guies that we met up with they kept running) we make it back to the tent and we see that there were people in it. i creep up on it and yell who's in there. they scream and almost have a heart attack. then we get in start drinking and smoking again. then neen and erik went to go sleep in the field. me and one of the tent boies fucked around. i woke up beside a naked guy i was just like holy ass munch i look at myself and i had his shirt and my undies on. when i was changing i noticed a shit load of hickey's all over me. but at least they are in spots that nobody will see. so then i wake up. go for a smoke go back to the tent. anyways, it was an interesting night, and a very interesting morning. so now i have a random tent man story..rofl, didn't know he went to banting, until i walk out of first period and he was right there..."hey." ..."hey bud"...we both laugh then walk away. so her parents are going away in two weeks, party anybody? No cops this time alright? Current Mood: XTC (Comment on this)
Friday, May 20th, 2005
10:31 pm	this past week So, Thursday was Bek's b-day and i got E the day before. I loved it and thought that it was awesome. then the friday we each got two pills of E and we were fucked. we walked from one side of town to the other like seven times. And jill bought a half-G of coke. and we all had an awesome time. Then Saturday we came back to my house and drank and got high. my mom stole my 30$ bubbler and my twixer of Fire-ball. and i find out today that she has been searching my room daily for notes and pipes and chronic and shit. That made me SO MAD! you don't trust me already why make more shit and get me in more trouble? Sure i put myself in the sitch and i have to deal with that but me dealing with that is doing more.better.harder.drugs. like right now i am sketched out on fucking coke. and burning out on weed. Tuesday i wanted E again so i bought a pill and it was "yellow pear" tripple stacked i was FUCKED! like i came home cut grass, cleaned the shop, made dinner and was up tripping until 4. then i had to get up at 7. that was FUN! anyways, today we bought a gram and a half on charlie and 6 grams of Wilson..(rofl..bek) we smoked some weed and did the coke and then my sister picked me up and now i am stuck in this freaking HOUSE! but my pet rabbit is still alive which is good. he is running around my bed spread and he is fucking awesome. anyways i need to go make sure he isn't like running around my house so i should prolly get going and have to catch some shut eye b/c i have to work tomorrow night...SHITTY! oh well more money. peace Current Mood: high (1 Comment |Comment on this)
Thursday, May 5th, 2005
6:01 pm	You take and you take until there is nothing left. I don't mind smoking you up. sure i bitch about it to some people. well you never do pitch in.  I am so fucking sick to death of the lies. You have no god damn idea. so let me give it to all of you straight. Caitlin, three-quarters of the people you hang around don't give a fucking shit about you. You cry, we try to patch the wounds but like band-aids they fall off then we point and laugh like a bunch of stupid elementry children. Hence the comics. They were written to cut you deep. and obvousily they did. you didn't look at any of us for the rest of the day. but you know what, i don't exactly hate you. i don't like the stuff you do but i don't necessarily hate you. You just drive me fucking crazy sometimes. Who spends all their paychecks on weed?        (and i know nobody asks me to but get a fucking job and buy your own fucking drugs.) Who gives out lil nugs to people?  Well, i am sorry. No fucking more. i can't afford it. And i am sick to death of it. Don't ask me for weed, don't ask me for anything. what do you give to me in return? big fat nothing. The only person who smokes me up is jill. she gives me money to get weed and i get the cronic and then we smoke it. and she doesn't like holding on to it so then she gives me the rest.  I KNOW YOU STOLE MY FUCKING WEED YOU STUPID FUCKING BASTARD. YOU THINK THAT HE WOULD HAVE HAD THE DECIENCY CONSDERING I WAS SMOKING HIM MY WEED ALL FUCKING DAY. BUT NO I GUESS THAT THAT'S NOT FUCKING GOOD ENOUGH. YOU FUCKING PRICK. I SWEAR TO GOD TRY AND GET ME TO TALK TO YOU I WILL CHOP OFF YOUR FUCKING BALLS.  HONESTLY!!!!!!! Why must people be theving backstabbing bastards. here's the scenerio; jill,mark, mp, me. laying on the grass mp throws my bag at me. i look and there is one baggy m issing. i had 4 now i only have three.  i search the surrounding grass then ask the ppl. mark did not move the whole time. i was laying on his tummy. jill and mp were passing things to and fro. then mp emptied all his pockets and i was left looking like an ass. then i talk to nate and he tells me that mp is @ mark's and he is baked out of his mind.  and i am missing a 20-piece. and earlier that day he was asking me to spot him. fucking dick wod i will kill you mother-fucker. i think that one of my best friends conspired against me in that plan. which really pisses me off. branden always told me. Trust nobody. It will only come around and bite you in the ass. And when i give people chance after fucking chance they still always make me look like an ass. i just want to believe that there is some good in people.  i can't deal with this fucking shit anymore. stealing from family and now friends what the fuck is that about.  You have no clue. i just keep loosing hope on people around here. All i want is to be sent away. fucking i would not give two shits where right now. just get me into a school where not every teacher is out looking for me. Where i can be friends with people who won't turn around and stab me in the back.  Where i might have a chance to get out alive. because i just want to be able to make it right now. and the path that i have chosen seems to be leading me in a bad direction.  JUST FUCKING GET ME OUT OF HERE. DEAD, ALIVE NOW I DON'T CARE. Current Mood: bitchy (Comment on this)
Thursday, April 28th, 2005
6:22 pm	LISTEN UP BITCHES everyone listen up. why must we put each other through this stupid shit. if she annoys you..TELL HER it is only in human nature for us to not be able to stand being with the same person day after day, hour after hour minute after minute. We need change. the same old shit keeps going on with this stupid group of people. yea, i get it, she annoys you. so fucking tell her, because i am sick of hearing about it. if she ditches you for the "new guy"...BITCH HER OUT you can only keep so much inside. the pressure keeps building and building until one day, you explode. her being one of your best friends you don't want to explode on her. but when she tells you things like, "steven is coming over but if he can't then you can" ...now, we barely talk, we don't hang out, she is always wrapped up in his arms. I get it, you two want to be together, but don't forget about your friends we will be the ones to help try to pick up the pieces when he breaks your heart. if he talks shit about you...TALK SHIT ABOUT HIM alright, everybody talks about everyone. its stupid its petty its fucking retarded. personally i fucking hate it. BUT if he is going to tell people that you are bad at giving head then it is your fucking duty to talk shit about him. But when you bitch at him then when he knows what buttons to push to get you in tears, think to yourself i put myself into this situation. He is probably just saying it to get me into this state, tears running down your face, always turning for a fix, be it alcohol or drugs or attention So, i must say something. and this is it. i have to deal with enough fighting at home. i don't want to see my friends being ripped apart by fighting as well. i know we all have problems but can we just grow up. i mean look at us, we are so much more mature then this stupid shit. some days i just want to jump out of my skin.  When everybody starts to bitch, i get really pissed off. i mean its one thing having to deal with it at home. school was my escape. there i could be with my friends who loved each other, and everyone got along pretty fucking well. and now there is so much shit. i don't want to have to deal with it anymore. i don't mind people coming and talking to me with their problems but when it comes to the petty shit. DON'T BOTHER ME.  and does anybody ever ask me what's wrong. only two people. and i know that those two people care. if much more of this shit goes on i don't know what i am going to do. probably go find some new crowd because this shit is absolutly fucking retarded. one person runs up and tells me something and then the other person who it was about comes up and tells me something else. LEAVE ME ALONE REALLY I HAVE MUCH MORE IMPORTANT THINGS TO WORRY ABOUT RIGHT NOW.  i just need to concentrate on the big shit that is eating away at me not this shit right now.   Current Mood: drained (2 Comments |Comment on this)
Friday, March 25th, 2005
5:23 pm	Never Too Far Gone Sometimes things turnout the wrong way you gotta stay strong, you gotta move on the hardest lessons are the ones that keep you stunned and speechless i fell the pain i feel the hurt i fell depression i live in my strength remember that your best friend is the strength in your heart the fire in your soul and the love in your eyes though its been said many times before by smarter people with larger minds than mine love in your heart love in your heart will conquer all. Current Mood: hope... (Comment on this)
4:19 pm	How can i sit here pretending that everything is going to get better. there is no chance that it can get better. It will only get worse. I get home from work and nobody in the house will even look at me. So i go have a shower go to my room and everything i own is on my bed. Lucky for me my pipe and my tin were right on top of the pile. What the fuck do they think they are going through my fucking shit. i told them again tonight that i am out of here as soon as humanily possible. I not only need a change. I need a fresh start. New friends, new living enviornment, new people, new school with new teachers who won't have heard about me. I have convinced myself that if i go to a new school in a new city with new people, then its like my new beginning. But what if next time it gets worse. I am so scared of everybody just giving up on me. My dad already has now. He told me that today. "Fine go fucking leave, i will help you fucking pack. You are nothing but a failure to me anyways" All last week i skipped three classes a day blazed then went to fifth fucked. Then yesterday i got my income tax money back from the government and i fucking spent it all on fucking coke. And then we dropped in a fucking puddle. So i was out the money and the fucking drugs. luckily we had a bank card and got out more money. And then we lost that money and had to go get out MORE money. by the time we actually got the fucking coke we had spent/lost 140$. That's a shit load of money for fucking one night. considering the high is so short. i mean don't get me wrong i fucking love coke but i think i need to stop now. not coke, but coke, weed, alcohol, everything. i need to go some time without it. To prove to nobody else but me that i can do it. Don't get me wrong guies, i fucking love you all. but this isn't working for me. i look at what i have become and its fucking mind-blowing. I found a photo-album today and then i loooked in the mirror and it just fucking blew my mind. I see myself in ten years, working as a fucking zombie at a factory, pay day i am the first one in there to get the paycheck. Then i go buy what ever drugs i can. then go back to the house that i rent. But i don't have the money for rent. The landlord comes and kicks me out. Now i am out on the street. Nobody to help me nobody to care. ___________________________________________________________________________________________________________ Now, nobody knows how to help me. I'm not even in the deep. But i am in deep enough that it scares the shit out of me. I can't become one of those people. Always looking for the fix. But the truth is, that's what i have become over time. And with time it only gets worse. ___________________________________________________________________________________________________________ Why when stuff gets bad, must i always turn to that one thought. Then i look at my fucking arms and see the reminders of what i used to fucking do. Why must it be like this. All my thoughts now are fixed on that seven letter word. I know its selfish and stupd. All i have to do is wait it out three more months. Three more months which will be the longest fucking months of my life. Current Mood: Indescriable (3 Comments |Comment on this)
Tuesday, March 15th, 2005
4:53 pm	High Times..* --- bek: "my eye didnt twitch and now im crying!!!" (crying whiny voice) court: "...wait...did you just say your eye didnt twitch and now you're crying...?" bek: "..thats not what i meant to sayyyyy...." (whiny crying voice) "oh my dear lord, why did you just tell me that?!" fuck we're high. Current Mood: high (Comment on this)
Sunday, March 13th, 2005
7:08 pm	So the plot thickens They teach us and they teach us, from when we are little. Don’t talk to strangers, Never cross the street by yourself. And when you get older, Don’t drive with intoxicated people. You can always call home if you need a ride. We won’t be mad it isn’t worth your life or the lives of innocent people. Last night.. After work, we pick up. Then we go for a show. At around six TP drives me home. I get home and nobody was here. I start to cook some food. About half an hour later, the phone rings. “Hi This is officer-something or other- where are your parents. They were in a car accident on -what ever road-” Me freaking out. I go to the bathroom and puke. Then the phone rings again. Its my dad this time. He wants to tell me what happened. He tells me that he was driving the Cadillac and it was icy and he slipped and drove it into a swamp. That if the cops call back not to answer the phone. He goes into the nearest restaurant and literally drinks a pot of coffee to sober him up. When the cops go into the coffee shop he doesn’t say who he is, he just goes into the bathroom and waits patiently for them to leave. My sister is on her way to pick him up. And my mom is on her way here. Corey calls me and wants to come over. Knowing that when everybody gets home I will not be able to take the fighting, I say sure. So they come over. My mom comes home. Half an hour later my dad and my sister walk in. I run up to my room grab my coat and tell my mom and dad that we are going into town. We drive around pointlessly for a couple hours, we stop at Tim Horton’s get a couple coffees then four cops walk in. I am so paranoid and high that we just leave a couple minutes after they sit down. We sit in the parking lot smoke and then we decide that we should go back to my house and just chill in the shop. So we chill in my shop for a couple hours, and I was so burnt out that I sent the boys packing and went down to the house. I walk in and go to my sisters room. She tells me that she doesn’t know how I am going to handle what happened. My dad was driving drunk and by the time he talked to the cops he was semi-sober. The car that I was supposed to buy off my dad is now in the cop impound in bits and pieces. This morning I wake up and I hear the door slam. I go out to see what is going on and my dad is standing at the island crying. I look out the window and there is my mom driving away. He gives me my Prozac. I go outside to have a smoke. Then I walk back inside. Go to the bathroom and sit beside the toilet. I peer into it and then I puked. The little green and white pills still in contact. My sister hears me vomit from the living room. She comes in to see if I am okay. I tell her to grab me the phone. I am supposed to be at work in ten minutes. I call and tell Jamie that I am puking and he tells me that I have to find somebody to take my shift. So I call Mat, he has plans, then I call John he was sleeping but I made his sister wake him up. He said that he would be there as soon as he possibly could. I thanked him then I changed into my pajamas and went back to bed. An hour later my sister comes into my room wanting to take my blood pressure because she needs to practice for school. She does that then we go to talk to my dad. I lay beside him. Tell him that that was the stupidest thing that he could have done. Driving drunk. He could have killed someone or himself. He promises that he will never do it again. but somehow, I just cannot believe him. I remember times when I was seven years old and I bet my dad five dollars that he couldn’t go a week without drinking. The following week he comes home and opens a beer like it was nothing. I tell him to pay up. But now the thing is, I know what he is going through. Weed is my alcohol. But I went a week sober. I had to prove it not to other people but to myself that I could do it. People think that it is no big deal to go a week without weed. But that week went so slow. I smoked so much more. And I even started to drink again. I just don’t want to turn into y dad. And that is honestly my biggest fear. Driving home from work, with a beer in my hand. Stumbling in the door. Waking up in the morning wondering how I got home. Its fucking sickening. And I just honestly don’t know how to deal with it right now. The hypocrisies cut into me. Cut into my heart. Why is he like this. Alcoholism is in my family. Both sides. I must stay strong. I must not give in. Current Mood: annoyed (3 Comments |Comment on this)
Wednesday, March 2nd, 2005
6:35 pm	Friday We’re sending you to Guelph Saturday You’re late from work Sunday You can’t go have a smoke Monday You leave for the hospital tomorrow after school, say your good-byes tomorrow at school Tuesday Good-byes said. I don’t want you to go. You are not crazy. I want you to get the best care at home now while you can. Wednesday New therapist. Don’t like him. He’s really weird. Likes to be silent and stare at me. I feel very uncomfortable. He also wants me to go to the hospital. What is with these people and wanting to send me away. I understand that I have problems. I have faced up to the fact. Now I want help. Prozac will not help. I have been there before. Fuck. It did nothing. If sending me away is going to help, then fucking send me. But don’t say you’re going to and then don’t. I said my good-byes and I came to accept that. And when you didn’t take me, I felt so angry. I didn’t want to go in the first place. Then I thought that I would get better. So deep inside, I was looking forward to it. And now, I have just lost all hope again. I am on a waiting list for counseling. It could take anywhere for seven to nine months just to be able to see somebody monthly. Not weekly, monthly. Isn’t it fucking ridiculous that someone who just wants to be alright again, not have to fake smiles, and actually be a happy go lucky teenager. Is that too much to ask? Right now, waiting in limbo for counseling I again feel like I have lost all hope for a new life, a happy life. (8) I wanna live, I wanna love, But it’s a long hard road out of hell (8) I try and I try, but when I was standing out waiting for my bus this morning, a transport drove by, another one on its heals, I thought, why stand here? Why not play chicken with traffic. Of course I didn’t put it was just a thought. . I keep having more and more thoughts like this.. Sometimes I wonder, if it is just to scare myself, sometimes I wonder when I am actually going to do it… Why do I do this What is holding me back Why can I seem to get no help Is anybody out there>? (1 Comment |Comment on this)
Monday, February 28th, 2005
8:13 pm	Good-bye I didn't want to hurt anyone. I honestly didn't. And now I see all the hurt that I have caused makes me sick. I talked to a counceler today, she then told my mom that i was at risk and should be kept under constant supervision. Then she told my mom and me that I should be admitted to a hospital or a mental facility. Then my parents made some phone calls, then we went to the doctors and now i am on prozac. But instead of 20 mg. its 30mgs twice daily. And tomorrow will be my last day at school for a while. With my friends and my family. I begged and i pleaded for one last day with everyone. they were going to take me tonight, but i would not let them. So tomorrow, after school i will be going away. for how long i do not know. Just please i ask some things of you. = please don't let people talk = please don't forget about me = i will call you when i can = please come visit..it may be uncomfortable, but please..i beg of you. Another thing, I really love you guies, don't let it get as out of control as i have let it. Now i am going to be stuck in this place. Just fucking stuck. It makes me sick. I would have always been here for you to talk to, and when i'm out i will be again, but for now, i will be locked away for a little while. Just tell everyone that I love them. Current Mood: crazy (2 Comments |Comment on this)
Friday, February 25th, 2005
8:20 pm	help me.... Shocked…Pissed…Scared…These are just some of the things running through my head right now. There are so many more. I barely even know where to begin. Friday February 25th 2005. I go to school, hate it. But the day flies by. So me looking forward to the night, I think nothing of it. I come home on the bus. My dad comes to pick me up at the end of the road in the van. I get in and he is drinking a beer. I pick it up and through it out the window. He screams at me. I ask him, ‘do you really need a beer everywhere you go? I mean you can’t go five fucking minutes without one.’ We drive down the road. He parks in front of the shop and tells me that we need to talk. I look at him and tell him that I don’t want to talk to anybody especially him. Then he tells me to go to the house and talk to my mom. So I walk down to the house go in the front door walk to my bedroom. I then take my coat and my back-pack off. Then I walk to my moms room. I knock three times. She tells me to come in. So I walk in closing the door behind me. She is making her bed so I grab a sheet and help her. She then tells me I have two options. Go back to normal counseling or go to the Guelph Mental Health facility. I tell her normal counseling. Shakes her head. She tells me that it isn’t up to me because I am still a minor. She tells me that I am going to a mental health facility. I start to cry. She tells me that I need a rest from everything. That I will be going to stay there for a while. To me it sounds just like “Girl Interrupted.” I can now imagine how Susanna Kaysen felt when she was told that she was going to the mental institution. I go to the shop. At this point I am under so much stress, I am at the breaking point. I smash my wrist on a piece of wood. I cannot cut anymore. God knows I have enough scars, I don’t need anymore. My mother started to check my arms weekly now. The bruises are invisible to the naked eye. The touch hurts. So I press and I press. Enjoying this pain. It is a reminder of my old cutting days. The pain I loved so much. This pain, I love to touch. I go over and feed the cats. I look at the cable hanging from a piece of metal. I just laugh. If anything else, I think that hanging myself is the only way that I would actually kill myself… I finish the cigarette. Then go into the house. My dad looks at me. They ask me if I want to have salad. I say no. I don’t want anything. I go to my room. I start to pick up the clothes. Cleaning the mess left previously from the night before. My mom walks in. She just wants to talk. She tells me that this place will help me beyond anything else. That I will get rest, and the counseling that I need. I tell her to get out. That I don’t want to fucking talk to her right now. She leaves. Then I am called out for dinner. I told them that I wanted nothing but since when do they listen to me anymore. Give me a choice and it is always the wrong one I pick. So I sit and get bitched at all through dinner. They tell me that they walked into my room today and found a half drunken juice-box. I tell them that it was from the night before and ask them why they were even in my room in the first place. It all just starts a big fight. I turn it all around to my dads drinking. Him passing out leaving a half drunken beer beside him. And when I pour that out, who’s fault is that. His because he is too fucking drunk. That he passes out still drinking. He tells me that I have just made the biggest mistake ever. That I have “just opened the wrong can of worms there.” I do the dishes and go on the internet. All I want to do is talk to somebody. I send an e-mail to a select few telling them about this. Then I send a rather nasty one to the person who told my mom in the first place. My mom wants to wait until the “right time” to send me away. The summer time. Thus leaving me with a bunch of strangers in a mental institution when I am supposed to be out partying with my friends, living like a normal teenager. How can she expect me to get better when I am only going to be feeling worse. I just don’t think I will be able to go there. I honestly don’t. I think that a place like that would just kill me. I would need cartons of cigarettes just to survive the first couple weeks. Just thinking about it the past few hours, has driven me crazy. I know that they only want to help. But I just don’t think that this is the answer. I honestly don’t. Beckey and Sarah are going to help get me through. And me them. We are going to do this together. How can I help them if I am locked inside. Just fucking how? On the week-ends I will be allowed out. My parents still expect me to work. They themselves are fucking insane and need to be locked away. That’s what this feels like. Like I am being locked away, like “The Hole” Locked in a hole and the key is lost. Nobody knows where the key actually is. If my dad expects me to go to this place, then I think that he should go to a rehabilitation center. My mom, she should go to the spa for a couple weeks, just get her calmed down a lot. My sister, well she wants to be shipped away to collage. So ship her away. I just cannot believe that they are doing this to me. Sure they have the best intentions at heart but there I will have nobody. My biggest fear is being alone. And sending me there…I will be alone….. (Comment on this)
Tuesday, February 22nd, 2005
2:25 pm	the day he died seven years ago today he died. He was like a father to me when mine was away on the road. I don't know what to do with myself today. I could not face anyone today. This is why i stayed home. I don't ever want to go back to school. How could i when i hurt one of my best friends. Today is the worst day of my life. I and today in the anniversary of his death. He would show up at my house, to bring me stupid little things, he never knew how much i loved him. And today i am reminded that he is gone. i woke up this morning to my mom telling me that school was not canceled. Then she left for work and i stayed in bed. I could literally not get out of bed. I slept on and off until 8:30. That is the time that seven years ago, we got that horrid phone call. i just started to cry and cry and cry. there is nothing that i can do. and now my mom knows about the thursday that i wanted to kill myself. she e-mailed a friend of mine that lives in europe and she told her everything. so much for getting better. everythings just getting worse. FUCK. ALL I HAVE TO SAY IS FUCK. Current Mood: sad (1 Comment |Comment on this)
Monday, February 21st, 2005
9:01 pm	Why dop i always fuck everything up, honestly i didn't mean to do any of it. I just wanted to hurt her as much as humanly possible without actually fighting. Now i have fucked it up completly. FUCK!!!!!!!! i can't stand myself for what i have done right now. I have hert her so fucking much, and the thing is, i don't think i can go on without her, its gotten to that point it sickens me, but without her i feel like nobody will ever give me a chance nobody will ever think the same about me. she was always there for me when i needed someone. always. she was so happy today, then i wrote a little comment and evrything went right down the shitter. i just don't know when to keep my fucking mouth shut. my mom always said that would be my downfall. she says she still cares the same but how could she. I know that i would be pissed the fuck off, now, is it another chance? i don't know. i just don't know anymore. I don't know what to do with myself, i am literally sick of what i have done, what i have become, i don't even know. just what the fuck!>?! why am i so fucking stupid? I feel like nobody cares anymore, i just went to far this time. To fucking far.. Current Mood: angry (Comment on this)
Sunday, February 20th, 2005
7:52 pm	Again... Today my dad left again. He went to his friends house for a nascar party. He comes in the house after, runs down the hall, slams the door to his bedroom. I don't have a clue what is going on, and he screams. I knock on the door. He tells me to come in. I walk in his room ang his pant legs are covered in blood. I ask him if he is alright, he just looks at me like i am stupid. He takes off his jeans and there is a massive triangular gash in his leg. The blood is pouring out of it. What the hell did he do? Me and my mom go to town to get goz and tape. We come back and he is passed out in bed with his legs ontop of pillows. I wake him up give him two T-3. My mom tells me to take his jeans, and the three towels and wash them. So i take the basket downstairs. I grab the towels and the jeans, place them in the washing machine. I look at my hands, they are covered in my fathers blood. It is literally dripping off my hands. I go upstairs to see how he is doing and to wash my hands. I walk into the bathroom and my mom freaks out. She thought that it was from me cutting again. She made me roll up my sleeves and show her my scars. She pressed on the fresh ones, A day or two has gone by, and they are infected now. She smacked me across the face and tells me that i am disgusting. I still have the hand print inprinted on my face. The thing was it wasn't my blood. It was from the towels. They were soaked with blood..Today is not a good day. Tomorrow will hopefully be better. I cannot stand this anymore. She forces me to do it. She makes me feel so low, so worthless, so unloved. She is the one who is supposed to love me no matter what i do, or who i become. Even if i don't love myself anymore, she is supposed to love me. I guess i have expected too much from her. Too much from this life. I just hope for it to be over each and every day, i wish to go to sleep and never wake up. That I get hit by a bus or anything. But it never happens. I am always here.. i am too much of a coward to actually pull the plug, if someone would do it for me, it would help me so much. I am sitting here asking to die, asking to be killed..just fucking kill me okay? i've had enough already. (Comment on this)
5:15 pm	So, its Sunday and I haven’t slept since Thursday night. And that was only for about three-four hours. Last night was pretty good. I had two old friends over and we rented movies and watched them. Then half way through the first one I paused it went outside for a smoke out the front door and there are windows in the “movie room” so I crept over to the window and was standing there having a smoke watching them. Then Kaley looked over seen me and gave an ear piercing scream. It was hilarious. Foster didn’t know what was going on then she looked and like shit her pants. Then I made them open the downstairs door to let me in. And we finished the movie, “The Hole” I totally recommend it. At first it was a little confusing but it is fucking amazing. Also, I am extremely pleased with a friend of mine. It looks like her love is coming back for her. Which is really what she needs. She was tearing herself apart, not realizing that it was his stupid mistake. She never did anything wrong. Then when she finally realized that, now he wants her back. Its mind boggling. I feel so happy for her, yet there is a piece of me that remembers that I am still alone. Always fucking alone. Nobody to love me the way that I love them. And I know that people do care about me but its just not the same. I need to be unconditionally loved. It is the best feeling in the world. But this time, I only hope that it could work out better then the last. Not just run over like a dead animal in the middle of the road. One of my dearest friends, Corey. We used to hang out almost every night. Now, it’s been three weeks and one phone call because someone told him that I was dead. I know he still cares but it still hurts. I mean, what the hell did I do that he doesn’t want to hang out with me anymore. Is it because I ran out of weed. Did he only hang out with me to smoke my weed? Is it because there was nothing else to do so he just came to my house? And now he has places to go so is that why he doesn’t call? Just fucking tell me. I need to know. It pisses me off that we went from being such good friends to not even talking anymore. Like what the fuck. I am so torn up by this. And in the past few weeks, I have come to realize so much. Half of which I wish not to share right now. Give me time and I will share my secretes. But right now, I have to work out the emotions and the feelings in my head then write them down because right now, my head is so jammed full of thoughts and stuff that it literally is making me insane. My mom was supposed to make an appointment with a new counselor but she hasn’t. It angers me because she “just wants me to be happy again” yet she won’t do the one thing that I need. Yesterday, my mom threw a wedding shower for my cousin, Angie. There was like 50 women in my house. This lady came up knew my name and held a conversation with me for about ten minutes, I had no idea who the fuck she was. I was totally lost. There were so many snobby bitches here. I just wanted to tell them to fuck off and leave my house. My mom sent my dad to his friends for the day. When nine o’clock rolled around there was still no word from daddy dearest, so she called his friends house. He picked up the phone and was so fucking hammered. My dad grabbed his keys, jumped into the van and tried to drive away. His friend ended up lying in the snow in front of the van to try and stop him from driving. Also, about an hour before that, my dad went out of the shop to take a piss and (his friend is going bald but always wears a hat) After my dad was done, he seen this bald guy walking towards the shop.. my dad ran up behind him and tackled him into a snow pile. Then my mom ended up getting a ride to his house, she drove the van to our house. He got out of the van, stumbled them fell into the snow. The door opens and my dog and me are walking up the stairs, and he walks through the door covered in snow, screams like a fucking bear then slams the door so hard it literally cracks the glass. Then he walked into the table and pushes it away, knocking everything off of it. Then goes to his bathroom to get changed. I walk into the bedroom and my mom is sitting there laughing her ass off. I was just in shock, never have I seen him more hammered. Then I guess he was in the middle of trying to get his pants off and he slipped and fell and smashed his head off of the wooden stairs connecting to the Jacuzzi. My mom opens the bathroom door and there he was, passed out with blood running out of his head. My mom decided that it would be a good idea to put him in bed. So we are trying to life this freaking beast to bed. Well that was fun. Literally five minutes after we put him to bed my friends showed up. I was so glad they went and got a movie first. Nobody deserves to see my fucked up father drunk off his fucking ass like that. It’s so embarrassing. If I ever came home like that I would be shot and pissed on…. Fucking alcoholic father.. Fucking controlling mother.. Fuck, just FUCK! Current Mood: distressed (Comment on this)
Friday, February 18th, 2005
9:48 pm	“Courtney, you are a very bright young girl. I have talked to all of your other teachers and they all say the same. You have to go to your classes. If you don’t, you won’t get your credit.” “I have never failed a class before. And I’m not going to start now. If I can just get by and get my credits then that’s fine.” “Its not fine. You aren’t living to your full potential. You need to come to class and get good grades. That’s the only way that you are going to get into collage.” “And if I don’t want to go to collage. It’s nobodies business but mine. Why do we need this class to begin with? Yea! Lets learn about the Canadian government and how fucked up it is. You said it yourself. And the class is shit. I hate it and everybody in it.” “ You have to have some aspiration. You will go to collage, and your right it’s nobodies business but yours if you don’t. But how do you think it makes me feel as a teacher when one of my students doesn’t want to go to collage and aspire to become something great?” “ Collage doesn’t create greatness. Living life does. And who says that I even want to do that any longer? And how should it make you feel? As if you even care. Honestly, I have been in your class for a total of four times and you think you know me. You need a reality check. You can’t just meet somebody and know everything about them.” -walks out- I have had it drilled into my head that I am never going to be good enough. For nothing and nobody. And if I could drop out of school right now, I would. But apparently there’s an age requirement for that. Next year, I am taking a semester off and I am going to work. If I don’t want to go back, I don’t think I will. And if I do go back, sure it will lead to another semester in school but I need time off. I feel like I am being locked in the classes. And that I am being locked up at home. My v p. called my mom and told her my “progress” and now I have been threatened. “Courtney if you don’t go to every class for the rest of the year, you aren’t going to Branden’s wedding.” FUCK OFF BITCH! Nothing is stopping me from going to that wedding especially you. She says no I always find a way around it. My dad would never make me miss it. I am really thinking that there is just a big brain-washing conspiracy. She is against me and my dad’s side of the family. She has drilled it in my head from when I was a baby that my nanny doesn’t love me and that she only cares about Debbie’s kids. That my grandfather was the only one who really loved me, well he is dead and I don’t remember him so a lot of good that does. And when it comes to my nanny, I don’t give a shit about her. She could drop off the face of the earth tomorrow and I wouldn’t shed a tear. I have never been close to her. Never. I just don’t know what to do. I want to get to know my nanny. I honestly do. I had a chance to go and see her with Branden and Chantal but of course, I wasn’t allowed. Wonder who wouldn’t let me. Yea, mommy dearest. I just feel like I have to impress my mom and dad so much. I have to prove them wrong. But the way that I am going, I will go in the direction that they expected. A life somewhat like my dad’s. Drop out of school, get into drugs really bad, and then work my ass off until I am old and gray and become a raging alcoholic. It’s not like I have that as my life plan, but I hate school so incredibly much. I mean what’s the reward for dedicating thirteen or more years of school? There is no reward. Sure it may be easier to get a good job, but when is that? In the future. How do we know that everybody makes it to a future? We don’t we just go along and do as the government tells us. We go to school like good little boys and girls. If there is anything that school has taught me, its we are better off without it. The only good thing about it is that I have met some fucking great people. Other then that it’s fucking useless. What will we need y=mx+b for? To find slope of a line when we are driving a truck? When we are cooking food for the family? Cleaning hotels and peoples houses to try and earn a living. I mean really, what are the qualifications for being a waitress? Be nice, don’t spit in the food and smile. Driving a truck? Get an A-Z license, and take loads where your dispatcher says. Sure you could do with some geography lessons but will a map not do? We had to go to school for thirteen years to learn common fucking sense? School should not be a mandatory thing. People who wish to be doctors, lawyers and whatever else smart people do should go to school. The rest of us, should get a job and start in the working world. Because the stress of working and going to school is fucking bullshit. And when we work, what is the reward? Money. What can you do with grades? Tell people about them. Yea, I got 93% in history, so will that do for my mortgage? No because they don’t care about your grades, its money or nothing. Maybe I am just really pissed and am coming up with this shit from nowhere. Maybe I am not the only one who feels this way. All I know is that I am sick of school. Sick of the teachers, sick of the shit. “You are young, you will pass through this phase. You will love school and realize that it was the best time of your life..” What? It doesn’t get better. Oh someone please tell me that it gets better If it doesn’t get better then fucking send me packing. I will go move on and away now. I know where I want to live now. Sweden. There “soft drugs” are legal and the government actually pays the students to go to school. 500$ a month. And when you get your report cards, if you do really well, you get a bonus. Hello. That would give me an incentive to actually go and do well in school. So ship me away. Who cares if I don’t speak the language. I can learn. I would rather do it that way then here. Over there, they want everybody to be equal. They take massive tax deductions of your paycheck, but everything is free. Health care, schooling. All you have to do is pass the entrance exam. And your in. They pay for your books and you housing. Honestly if it was like that in Canada then more people would have stayed in school and went for post secondary schooling and done well at both. Somebody please shut me up, I am rambling. But I have to get this out or I will go even more nutty then I already fucking am. I just think that it makes so much more sense that way. Lets equalize everybody to the middle class because hey, it’s not a bad class, and lets pay the kids to stay in school so the drop out rate decreases. Over there they don’t focus on getting jobs because pretty much everything is paid for. Hello, would this make sense? Umm…yea. Dumb government ..shoot them all Current Mood: angry (1 Comment |Comment on this)